A Reflection From A Former Binge Eater

It’s 5:50 pm, I grab the vegetable plate and dip and head to my car. As I am driving, I tell myself, do not over eat and embarrass yourself. I pull into the driveway where several cars are already filling the limited space. I have arrived at my monthly meeting for the volunteer group I belong to. As I step out of my car, I feel confident that I won’t eat too much this time. Everyone is gathered around the beautifully arranged dining room table. I place my dish amongst the overloaded table bursting with food, as though there were thirty people in attendance. The six of us sit down, as the president begins to speak everyone is reaching for items of food to put on their plates. I take a few of the vegetables that I brought with a little dip. As I am chewing on a carrot stick, my mind reflects back to the game Candyland that I played as a child. Around every corner on the board were photos of sweet treats. My eyes scanned the vast amount of sweets, sitting arms length away. My mind starts to try and persuade me to just take a couple of sweets, I can control how much I eat. I ignore the voice in my head for about 10 minutes and then no longer able to stop imagining how good the food would taste, I reach out for a chocolate chip cookie. The cookie is larger than usual and filled with decedent massive junks of chocolate chips. As the first bite hits my taste buds, I am in heaven. How could anything taste so wonderful? As if someone is controlling my arm from afar, I start to reach for more food, I can’t help myself. I continue to fill my plate and stomach for the next two hours of the meeting. I no longer am in control of my actions, instead of slowly chewing my food, I am inhaling it! Once I leave the meeting, I feel sickened, not only to my stomach, but out of embarrassment. What does everyone think of me?

I was not your typical vision of what one would image someone with a binge eating disorder to look like. I have never struggled with weight and I have always exercised. What I did struggle with was my body image, starting in my teenage years. I felt inadequate compared to my peers, which can be typical for a teenager. However, I used food to comfort myself. After years of struggling with body image and binge eating, I am happy to say, I no longer feel less than. I used nature as my healing method. I love my body image and who I have become. I am confident, compassionate and want others to feel more than and not less than adequate.