Mindlessness

Coming off a restricted diet from my competition, I felt like I had been freed. The shackles had been removed and I became a wild creature within. The freedom began the very night that my competition finished. I ordered a brick oven margarita pizza and sat in bed in the hotel room eating while watching television. As I took a bite of each thin slice, it seemed to slide down so smoothly that it disappeared within minutes. Later that evening I woke up several times during the night due to leg cramps from dehydration and hours of wearing five-inch heels. As I tossed the covers from my body, I felt a small bag next to me, it was the bag of Starburst that were leftover from the show. I took one and unwrapped it, throwing the wrapper on the floor. As I put the tiny pink square watermelon flavored piece into my mouth, it melted as the pure sugar hit my salivating mouth. I reached in and grabbed another piece and continued until all the sugary goodness was gone. When I woke up in the morning and swung out of bed putting my feet on the floor, I stepped on the multitude of wrappers now lying under my feet from my Starburst frenzy the night before.

 Before I left the hotel for my 1.5-hour drive home, I wanted to enjoy a hot cup of tea and my favorite meal of the day, breakfast. As I scanned the buffet filled with sausage, ham, bacon, scrambled eggs, French toast, cereals, toast, bagels, fruit, and mini pastry, I didn’t know if I wanted to pay the twenty-five dollars that they were charging since I wouldn’t be eating any of the meat, but I was dying for a nice breakfast and would have paid fifty dollars that morning. I chose a seat in a comfy dimmed lighted booth. My waitress was kind enough to point out that I could order an omelet and have the buffet too for the same twenty-five dollars, I was sold. I overindulged but enjoyed every morsel.

As I drove down route I-190 in Worcester, I had to stop at my favorite bakery Gerardo’s for a slice of heaven, carrot cake. It was my birthday after all, and I deserved to celebrate with a large, thickly frosted piece of cake. As I drove home, I imagined how good that slice staring up at me from the passenger seat was going to taste. As I pulled up to my house, I brought all my belongings into the mudroom but saved the best for last, the box of deliciousness. I put the kettle on so I could enjoy a hot cup of tea with my cake. I sat at the kitchen table and took my first bite. Well before my tea had been drunk, I ate the entire slice of cake. It was gone so fast; I don’t even remember how good it tasted.

The next day, I had to go to Leominster to drop off the bikini that I had rented for the competition. I felt the urge for a bag of peanut M&M’s. Knowing I was going to pass by Hannaford, I decided to stop and satisfy my fix. As I walked in the store searching for a large bag of M&M’s because a one serving size was not going to do it. I found what I was looking for, just beyond the produce isle. Now I had to decide, was it going to be the 10 oz bag or the 19.2 oz family pack? Thank goodness, I only chose the 10 oz bag. Before I started the car to head home, I tore the bag open, just enough to be able to drive and reach in the bag for a handful. As I drove the thirty minutes home, I kept reaching in the bag, popping the M&M’s furiously. Before I even had finished chewing one, I reached in the bag and filled my mouth with another. The bag was empty before I reached my house.

The eating frenzy was on and off for a month. Until one evening while I was sitting down with Mika, one of my dogs watching a movie. I wanted to eat something, not because I was hungry, but out of boredom. I went upstairs and had my go-to almond butter and Trappist blueberry preserve on Ezekiel bread. I toasted the bread and took two tablespoons of almond butter and spread it on the warmed toast, watching it melt and adding a heaping tablespoon or more of preserve on top. I sat down with Mika, who was begging me for a bite. I gave in, giving her a tiny slice of bread. As I engulfed the sandwich, something clicked in my mind, and I realized I ate so fast that I didn’t enjoy the sandwich. I didn’t take the time to notice the taste of the creamy almond butter, blueberry preserve, and warm bread. I was mindlessly eating as I had been doing for the past month.

I had formed a new habit of mindlessly eating. Instead of enjoying and noticing the taste, smell, texture, and sight of the foods I had been eating, I was mindlessly engulfing my food. Now aware of what I had been doing, I had to regroup and reverse my newly formed habit. My first step was to try to slow down and enjoy each bite of food, this is still a work in progress. The second was to notice if I was truly enjoying my meal or was I just filling a need. The third was to be consistent with my morning meditation and breathing, which does wonders for mindset.

Mindless eating happens for a reason. The answers to the why either come through an epiphany or a realization. Once you know the reason, the journey to reverse the mindlessness can begin.